Anxiety, that old, unwelcome guest, stirred in my gut. “The one with the booths?”
I should have told him then. I should have said the word. But the giddiness was a powerful drug. I wanted to be normal for him. I wanted to go to a nice restaurant without a pre-game strategy session in the car. I wanted to be the partner he deserved, not the project he was managing.
“And tonight,” he said, his voice finally breaking into something softer, warmer. “Tonight, you will sleep in my arms. And you will not apologize. Not once. Not with words, not with tears, not with that guilty way you curl into a ball. You will be held. And you will let me hold you. That is an order.” master salve gay blog
“So here is your consequence,” he said. “Tomorrow, we are going to sit down and write a new protocol for social outings. You will not be allowed to refuse the pre-game check-in. And for the next week, before you make any decision larger than what to eat for lunch, you will text me and ask, ‘Is this wise?’ You will not act until I respond. Do you understand?”
I don’t know how long I was there. Ten minutes. An hour. Time loses its shape. But at some point, I felt him approach. He knelt behind me. He didn’t touch me, but I could feel the heat of his body. He waited until my breathing synced with his. Then, gently, he placed his hands on my shoulders. Anxiety, that old, unwelcome guest, stirred in my gut
I started counting the threads in the tablecloth. One, two, three… but the woman’s laugh would break my count. I’d have to start over. Four, five… HA! … start over. My heart began to tap against my ribs like a frantic morse code. The edges of my vision blurred. The soufflé arrived, a beautiful cloud of chocolate, and it looked like a foreign object. I couldn’t remember how to hold a spoon.
I couldn’t answer. I was falling. The noise was a physical pressure, the lights were needles, and the shame was the worst part of all. I ruined it. I always ruin it. He took me to a beautiful place and I’m going to shatter into a thousand pieces over a chocolate soufflé. But the giddiness was a powerful drug
Tears streamed down my face. He wiped them away with his thumbs.