Cadvent Crack is the name given to the annual, unofficial, and entirely unhinged ritual that has replaced the old-fashioned Advent calendar. Forget the little cardboard doors with nativity scenes or waxy chocolates. Cadvent Crack is about the other countdown: the twenty-five days of blister-pack rage, impulse-buy regret, and logistical warfare that precede Christmas morning.

It begins in the parking lot of a big-box store on the first Friday of December. Not with a bang, but with a ping —the sound of a single, overstretched shopping cart wheel hitting a curb. Then another. Then a hundred.

So light the first candle. Open the first door. Or, better yet, just surrender to the crack. By December 26th, there will be silence. And returns. Always the returns. Cadvent Crack